Drinking Rule #42

Don't go on a crash diet the week before a major drinking event.

So at the end of this last summer, Kid Rock had a birthday party/concert here in his hometown, Detroit. As soon as they announced this one night only, special event.. we knew we were going. Tickets were way to expensive, and they sold out in 2 minutes! Somehow we managed to get tickets.

I went to the concert with my best friend Marissa, and a few other people. We got all dressed up like whores (I am guessing you can see the trend there), and we took a party bus out to the show. Drank a whole bunch of random shit on the bus.. beer, jello shots, Jager bombs. We were drinking like they were gonna stop selling the shit.
So we get to the concert hall, and Marissa is slurring her words, and she is finding it difficult to stand up. How the hell is she this drunk? I know we drank a lot, but she can usually handle her liquor. By the time the concert starts she is passed out in her chair. I mean, out cold. She missed the whole damn thing.

We all thought it was rather hilarious, and we just left her there to sleep. Kid Rock kicked ass and had a shit ton of special guests. Run DMC, Sheryl Crow, Anita Baker.. everyone was at this fucking birthday party.

Kid Rock is kind of hot.. in that dirty, you better make him wear a rubber kinda way.

So the whole fucking concert kicks ass, and I'm having a great time. I check on Marissa every now and again to make sure shes OK. Shes fine, just sleeping. The show ends, they turn up the lights, and its time to leave. We try to wake old drunky up, but she wont even open her eyes. Oh shit. What are we going to do? I stand her up, smack her cheeks a bit, and she opens her eyes for a minute. "Heyyy Marissa, its time to go! You have to start walking". Then shes out again. I have to drag her up the stairs, and out of the arena. I try carrying her the whole way until we get to the bottom of the stairs and I drop her. Whoops. Shit, shit, shit! I really wish she would wake up already! Im in 5 inch heels, and its really hard to carry a drunk bitch in tall shoes.
Fuck. Damn her for getting this fucked up. Finally someone comes and helps me get her outside. Once outside, I prop her up against a wall and continuously shove my finger down her throat. If I could just get her to throw up, maybe shell come to. Its not working, and I start to panic. I'm going to have to call 911 or something, I'm sure she needs her stomach pumped. A guy walks by and tries taking a picture with his phone. "Fuck you, you mother fuckerrrr" and I slap the phone out of his hand. Who does that. I shove my finger down her throat one last time.. as far as I can. Finally!!! She throws up... and throws up.. and throws up.. I'm propping her up with one arm.. and holding her hair back with the other. God damn it, I deserve the Friend of the Year reward. Fuck, she owes me one for this.

When she finishes vomiting, its like shes a whole different person. She can walk on her own, she can almost form sentences, and shes ALIVE. Thank god. I have vomit on my hand, my back hurts, my knee is scraped from falling with her. Awesome. We finally make it back to the party bus, and leave to go home.

She sleeps the whole way home, falls off her seat a couple of times, but shes alive. She may be a sloppy, drunk mess.. but shes alive.
This bitch has the best friend ever. How many of you would stick your finger down someone else's throat? WHO? I would. That's who. When you have me as a friend, you will never die from alcohol poisoning. Ill make sure of it.

She slept off the horrible hangover that followed that drunken night. When she finally resurfaced she let me know that she had been on a crash diet for the past five days. "I had to look skinny for the concert. What if I met a hot guy there". So five days of no food + shotsbeervodkajagertequilla = Death. Lesson learned.

Keep this in mind ladies next time you wanna look skinny for a party. You could be the one getting a dirty finger shoved down her throat. Random people could be taking pictures of you for their own enjoyment. You don't want this. You could end up the subject of a blog post just like this girl.