Never Take a Solid BM For Granted

I am finally pooping like a normal person again. Praise Charlie Sheen and everything holy.

Short story long:

Lets go back about 10 days. My alarm goes off (a Britney Spears song wakes me up, so I know instantly there is black magic in the air, and its going to be a bad day). I stumble downstairs to take a shower. While in the shower my stomach starts hurting.. kind of like my innards are going to explode right out of my butt. It lasts for only a second, then goes away. Hmmm, that's weird. I get out of the shower.. get ready.. and drive to work.

On the way to work I get another small colon spasm.. and I start to panic. I'm no where near work, and I just made need to pull over on the highway and shit on the side of the road. WAIT. This is NOT an option. So, I clench my cheeks as tight as I can, and put the pedal to the metal.

I pull into work, and by the time I get into the building I feel fine. Everything's back to normal. I come in first, before anyone else, so I turn on all the lights and get situated. Turn on my computer, and sing a long to some god awful song on the radio while I get some paperwork together.

An hour later my fellow employees start to come in. "Hey how was your night" I don't really care how their night was, but I ask anyways. BAM! Out of nowhere.. I can feel it. Butt urine. HOLE LEE SHIT. The bathroom at work is small.. and right in the middle of everything. If you poop in that bathroom everyone can hear EVERYTHING. So you must be prepared before you drop the kids off at the pool.

I turn the music up louder on my speakers.... "OH I LOVE THIS SONG, DON'T TURN IT DOWN!" I go get some coffee, and say "Oh this coffee is going right through me, I have to pee". (For some reason when I have to poop.. I feel like EVERYONE knows what I'm up to. If I lie and say I have to pee.. maybe they wont really know what I'm doing). Fuck the diversion.. I have to go RIGHT NOW. If I don't, I am sure that I am going to explode. At this point, I have to run to the bathroom.... "Maaaan I reaaaaly haaave tooo peee". Ha... everyone is so dumb.. they have no idea whats about to really happen.

I am sitting on the toilet.. peeing out of my butt. I turn the water on to cover the sounds.. maybe everyone will think I just really like to wash my hands. I try coughing a lot.. no help. This is SO EMBARRASSING. I just want to die, and Im in so much pain I think I just might. I wont give you all the details.. but it smelled like I gave birth to a dead, rotten antelope. I look for spray to cover it up.. none. OF COURSE! I look under the sink... BLEACH! I pour A LOT down the drain.. just to get the smell in the air. Eventully I have to make an escape before the bleach makes my eyeballs explode right out of my head.

FUCK THEY KNOW. I enter the office, and everyone is way too quiet. They heard me, Im sure of it. "Are you crying"? "Who me? NO. My eyes are red from the bleach.. I was cleaning the bathroom.. thats why I was in there so long.. super dirty bathroom. All clean now. Youre welcome". I grab my coat and purse and leave.

Urinate out of my butt for 2 more days. Go to doctor. Poop on stick. Have bacteria infection. Get medicine. Take medicine. It takes 7 more days until I'm back to myself. 9 days of butt pee!!! That is a record for me. Now I get excited everytime I shit and I actually see a turd in the toilet. Just like a proud mama, I want to take a picture and send it to someone. "SEE?!?! Look what I can do!" I have a feeling no one will appreciate it quite like I do though.. so I refrain.